Come with me on a kinky tour of southern theaters with, shall we say, naughty/creepy tales to tell. All of these are 100% completely true! I kid you not. There is NO WAY I could make this stuff up!
We start off in small town, North Carolina. What a lovely theater. Sat an audience of about 350. We had a lovely meet and greet with the town's art council. We sampled shrimp and grits and looked at art in the lovely lobby, which doubled as a gallery.
BUT...before all that we loaded in, like any other gig. Sets, costumes, merchandise, etc. Then they took us to the dressing rooms. Then "Crystal", we'll call her, took us down an unusual open staircase, located behind the stage to the dressing rooms. It was only on one side of the stage, which was odd because a theater typically has entrances to the stage from both stage right and stage left.
We could see that the stage had been built atop a some very old stone rooms. Like so many small town venues, this theater had originally been a vaudeville space, opened in the early 1900s. All kinds of acts, including naughty burlesque, were its main attractions. Later it became a movie house and then, as so many of them did, became an X-rated movie theater in the 1970s.
"Crystal" was more than happy to chatter away about the theater's history as we descended the staircase. When we arrived at the bottom and stood in the odd shaped green room, it felt as if we were somehow in a cave. Some of the walls were stone. Not modern stones in a beautiful arrangement, but rather plastered together rocks, like an old cottage. Other walls were wood-boarded. You know, the cheap kind, like paneling, and looking totally out of place.
Then, I'll never forget what happened next. I looked over at a strange oval-shaped, faded red wooden door. It didn't have a knob but looked as if there had been a place where a lock had once resided.
"What's in there?" I innocently asked. "Crystal" replied, "Oooh...you don't even want to KNOW what we found in there!"
You see, the theater had been abandoned after on-screen X-rated movies were replaced by more easily-accessible VHS videotapes. The seekers of smut had moved on. BUT, apparently, they left some interesting sexy trinkets to be discovered by the town's historical preservation society!
"Crystal" explained: "We came down here and it was like a dungeon! Who knows what was going on down here?"
We all couldn't help ourselves, so we walked down the six creaky steps into this...cave. Dirt floors, stones that jutted out like benches. "Crystal" added that they'd found handcuffs. I was in there all of five seconds before I was like, "I'm outta here."
I looked at "Crystal" and said, "So...I don't suppose this place is haunted?" She just looked at me with a most serious look on her face and said, "Yes...yes it is."
That was the last we spoke of the stone cave room that night. Nothing weird happened during to show or as we were packing to leave, but the weird thing was, I don't remember any of us ever bringing it back up again. You'd have thought we would've, weird as it was. Maybe it was TOO weird...even for us.
Next! On to small town Alabama. YES! We should all run, because this story has a closet, too. But what was found weren't sexy tidbits...but a person! Read on, you wicked, wicked people!
Small town Alabama was the very first stop for GRITS in the Yellow Hammer State. Being a Tennessee gal, I had some hesitation as we two states have been at odds football-wise for a LONG time. But I really loved this lady that was the manager of the facility. She was so wonderful. Full of life and energy. We'll call her "Nadine".
"Nadine" greeted us as we pulled in and she had a precious staff of young folks to help us with our sets and gear. We loaded in as usual and had our sound check. "Nadine" flitted about the modern auditorium-style facility, periodically checking on us. She was darling. Whew! I thought. No trouble here, what a delight. I was taking video of this trip with my phone so I could put together some clips for our YouTube channel. Backstage fun, side-stage view of the performance, that sorta thing when "Nadine" came in to check on us before the show.
We were all sitting around in our costumes and she was chatting us up about their theatrical season (we were her season opener!) and how great it was that this show was a virtual sellout. We asked her how her holidays been. She said in a hushed tone..."Not too good." "Oh no!" we all said. "What happened?" What she would say next, I know if I bet you all a million dollars you would NOT believe. Fortunately, I let my camera phone roll so I got it all for posterity sake! She didn't know and I'll never tell and no, you cannot see it.
"Well...over the holidays I got a call from the police!" she said, still slightly whispering. "Our technical director was found dead." "Oh!" we all exclaimed, "How awful!". "Yes," she said, "in the theater." "No!" we all exclaimed. Then her face went into this weird I-shouldn't-tell-them-but-I have-to-or-I'll-burst look. "You can't tell anyone this" she said. (Oooops.) "But...he was found in the utility closet." She pointed to the closet right outside of the dressing room. The door was open so we could all see it as she revealed the next part of the story. "No!" we all said. "Yes! He had hung himself there.", she said. "No!", we all said. "Yes! He had a belt around his neck." "No!" we all said. "Yes! And guess what he was wearing?" she said. At this point we were all in shock. I think I heard one of the gals in the cast stutter, "W-w-what?" This she said in a whisper, bent over, looking around, for whom I do not know. Maybe she thought his ghost was gonna come get her for revealing his dirty secret of demise.
"He was wearing women's panties!"
Then she gasped and covered her mouth like she, too, was hearing it for the first time.
We all sat stunned in silence. Then I asked (at least I think it was me), "What do you think he was doing?" I knew the answer, but I just had to see how this story, as told by her, would end. "I don't know!" she said. "Was he alone? Was he depressed? Was it...sexual?"
She whispered that last part like it was a dirty word. No lady...it wasn't sexual, I'm sure the really depressed TD just thought that's how his suicide should play out. With a belt around his neck and him modeling a thong. Not sexual? Indeed.
After the story was over, she simple straightened her posture, smiled and looked at us and said, "Can you believe that? Hmph."
Unfortunately, we can...yes, we can.
Lastly, I leave you with Small Town, Everywhere. You see that's where we have our most fun. The trips getting there in the GRITS SUV. Those times and talks shared post-show reveal many things about us. Maybe too many. It's amazing what a road trip, a snack bag filled with tortilla chips and cheese, and a soundproof vehicle or an anonymous Holiday Inn Express will make a lady share. Here are my top sexy picks!
"I love a King-Tut!"
"I was not his Friday night girl!"
"How do you know you won't like it, if you don't ever try it?"
"What's old timey name for the devil? Zeus?"
"I have too kissed a girl before!"
"Is this my bag? I don't think this is my bag. What's this? Oh."
"Oh no! I forgot my bra! Can you see my....?"
"Where do you want this glitter? It's good luck to wear it during a show. Uh...ok. That really makes your cleavage sparkle! Yay!"
"No, I am not coving the room for you and your "friend" to share. That's on you!"
"Here's a t-shirt for you! We had it made! It's airbrushed! Look what it says...." "Uhhhh ladies, I'm sure I'll have a lot of places to wear the "GRITTY TITTIES" shirt. Thanks. And no...I am NOT writing that show."
Well...there you have it. Just a lil taste of our fun naughtiness. Of course, I didn't write any of the REALLY good stuff. There is such a thing as producer/cast confidentiality! "GRITS on the Road", stays on the road (I'm getting that trademarked for my TV show I want to produce! After reading this, wouldn't you watch that show??? I would! Don't laugh...it could happen, right?)
Anyway, I hope this made you smile and I hope you all have a very special Valentines Day! I don't know if this was as sexy as it was scary, but the way they are talking this "Grey" movie up, apparently they are one and the same! See y'all next month for more GRITTY adventures!
